


reel against your body's borders

by newlifemoriarty



Series: hands that shake [4]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Disassociation, and this hurts me, percy was rarely hugged as a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 09:38:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6074347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newlifemoriarty/pseuds/newlifemoriarty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>vax is still fighting with his own mind, and percy knows how that feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	reel against your body's borders

It was the end of a relatively normal day. Vax had spent all day helping Gilmore rebuilding the new shop and had come home exhausted for a warm meal. Afterwards, while the rest of Vox Machina chatted quietly downstairs, Vax had slipped quietly up to his room. As soon as the door closed he began shedding layers. First the cloak, then the furs, then his belt, then his boots and his tunic until he was left in his underclothes. He then wandered over to the mirror to pull the pins out of his hair. Gilmore had shown him the way to pin his hair so it could hang loose around his shoulders but not constantly fall into his eyes. Now Vax was standing before the full length mirror opposite his bed, car fully removing the pins. As he pulled out the last one he caught his own eye in the reflection and found himself feeling as though he was frozen in place, unable to look away. It wasn't that there was anything particularly different about his face that day. There was a touch of dirt smeared across one cheekbone and the circles under his eyes were slightly heavier than usual, but there was nothing strange or different about him. And yet he couldn't look away. It was just a reflection in the mirror but as he stared it felt like he was looking at someone - no something else. This strange entity the looked and moved exactly as he did, but it didn't feel like him. As he felt a violent twist of anxiety in his gut he forced himself to look away, before staggering over to his bed and collapsing on the mattress.

He curled himself into a ball and sat heavily on his hands, desperately willing them to stop shaking. He felt like he was floating just above his body, rather than existing in it. Trying to ground himself again, he forced himself to open his eyes and take in his surroundings, like Gilmore always told him to when the panic attacks hit. However, the unfortunate placement of his mirror meant he was forced to lock eyes with his reflection again. Choking back a sob, he ripped his eyes away and gathered the sheets off his bed, tossing them at the mirror in a desperate attempt to cover the offending reflection. In his state, however, his aim was off and the bundle smacked into the corner of the mirror, sending it clattering heavily to the floor. Vax flinched violently at the crash and buried his head into his arms, trying to hold back the sobs that now racked through his body.

The rest of Vox Machina heard the heavy crash and shattering of glass from downstairs. Scanlan faltered mid sentence, Pike flinched, Grog's hand dropped instinctively to his weapon, Keyleth squeaked and covered her ears. Vex and Percy stood simultaneously but Vex, who had had a few drinks, stumbled slightly. Percy shot her a quick smile.  
"I'll go check on him, it's probably nothing," he said and Vex nodded, sitting again as Scanlan resumed his story.

When Percy reached Vax's door, he paused before knocking, pressing his ear against the wood. He could barely make out the sound of muffled sobs from the other side.  
"Vax?" He said hesitantly. There was no response. This time Percy knocked quietly.  
"Vax, it's Percy. We heard a noise. Just... making sure you're alright?" Still there was no response. Finally Percy decided to try the handle and found the door unlocked. He pushed the door open slowly and was greeted by the sight of Vax curled up on the bed, shaking with full body sobs, the mirror collapsed, broken and half covered by sheets on the far side of the room.  
"Obviously you're not alright..." he said as he stepped into the room, quietly closing the door behind him. There was still no response from Vax so Percy carefully stepped closer.  
"Vax, what happened?" he asked, genuine worry in his voice. Finally, he saw Vax shake his head, his face still buried in his arms, his knees curled to his chest. Percy realised that that was as much of a response as he was going to get out of Vax at this stage. He found himself floundering slightly, not exactly sure what to do. He had seen Vax on his bad days before, when he walked around blank faced and silent, hands clenched into fists until Vex or Gilmore came and gently comforted him. The problem was Percy had never been the gentle comforting type. You didn't get that in large families, especially not large, noble families. So he wasn't exactly sure what he could do for Vax now. For a moment he considered going downstairs and getting Vex, or perhaps calling for her through the earring, but something stopped him. Instead he took a seat on the side of the bed, and gently placed a hand on Vax's shoulder.  
"After we defeated the Briarwoods, I still got terrible nightmares. Of them, of Orthax, of you lying facedown in the grass outside the palace, of Vex in Grog's arms unable to heal. Cassandra's face through the glass as the acid poured around us. All of it." Percy wasn't sure why he was saying any of this, or if Vax was even listening, but he kept talking anyway, just in case it was helping. "I could barely sleep at night. I thought I would never be free of that horror. And maybe I never really will be. But time passed. The nightmares faded. Sometimes new ones replaced them, sometimes I could sleep without dreaming at all. Sometimes, very rarely, but sometimes, I had good dreams instead. I'll never forget what happened in Whitestone, but time has passed and things have changed. A lot of things have changed, mostly for the better too. I know it's not the same as what you are going through, but I just want you to know that... I know how it feels to hurt and be afraid and I know darkness, possibly even better than I know light. But I also know that, in the end, there is nothing we can do but let time pass. Because most of the time the darkness will pass too."

After a few moments of silence, Percy realised that Vax's back was no longer shaking under his palm. He glanced at the half elf, who now slowly lifted his head.  
"You have a strange outlook on life, Percival," he said, his voice raspy and quiet but surprisingly steady.  
"I find comfort in the inevitability of the universe," Percy said with a small grin.  
"You know, I didn't really understand what that meant the first time you said it," Vax said, sitting up a little straighter now.  
"Not a lot of people do," Percy chuckled.  
"But I think I may be starting to get it," Vax said, a little more confidence in his voice. Percy nodded, smiling lightly at Vax. He then nodded to the mirror on the floor.  
"Do want me to deal with that?" he asked. Vax shivered slightly but nodded. Percy got up and began gathering the up the shards of glass in the sheets. Once it was all gathered he glanced back at Vax.  
"I can send Vex up, if you want?" He asked. Vax nodded, still looking a little out of it. Percy gave a quick smile and went to step out the door.  
"Percy." Vax's voice caused him to pause in the doorway. He turned, once again looking at Vax.  
"Thank you," he said, a slight waver to his voice. Percy dipped his head slightly in acknowledgement.  
"Any time, Vax," he said before ducking out.

A few moments later the door opened again, this time Vex stood in the doorway, a worried look on her face.  
"Are you alright, brother? Are you hurt?" She asked, coming and sitting next to him. Vax gave her a small smile.  
"I had a moment, but I'm alright now," he said quietly. Vex nodded.  
"Alright," she said before bumping her shoulder against his, "don't go scaring me like that again, OK?" Vax gave a half hearted chuckle.  
"I promise," he said, gently resting his head on his sister's shoulder.


End file.
